


You're So Golden

by A55hole69



Series: Paint the Town [17]
Category: Deadpool (Movieverse), Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Aliens, Best Friends, Crash Landing, Deadpool References, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Loki (Marvel) is a Good Bro, Minor Character Death, Minor Violence, Outer Space, Parent Bucky Barnes, Parent Tony Stark, Protective Loki (Marvel), Space Pirates, Spaceships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:09:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24682870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A55hole69/pseuds/A55hole69
Summary: Suddenly, there was a loud thud on the roof, and the building shook slightly. Everyone immediately jumped into action, scrambling for a weapon just in case they had to fight."Jarvis? What's going on?" Tony asked, when him and Bucky got to the living room with everyone else, including Peter. Jon and Wade stayed on Klaus' floor."It seems as though Master Klaus crashed on the roof."
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Tony Stark, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Vanessa Carlysle/Wade Wilson
Series: Paint the Town [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1362460
Kudos: 48





	You're So Golden

"Get him! Somebody stop him! Hey! He's getting away!" The blue skinned alien yelled as he chased Klaus through the market on his planet. Klaus sped away laughing, with a black box tucked under his arms.

Klaus and Loki found themselves travelling the galaxy after the blond quit his job. It was only supposed to last a few days, but they were having way too much fun. It's been weeks since they left earth, and Klaus is in so much trouble when he gets back. They were supposed to be in Asgard, but Loki had the idea to steal a ship and go on an adventure. Which was exactly what they did. They did get a message to their families every now and then, so everyone knew they were fine. They just had to stay that way.

"Stop! Someone stop him!" Klaus jumped over a cart filled with pink fruit. The laughing blond ran into an open area where he was supposed to meet Loki, but the god was nowhere to be found. He found himself standing there a little too long, and was suddenly surrounded by seven very angry alien gangsters.

One of them shot at him with a laser gun, almost turning him into ash. Klaus jumped away, "Fuck! You almost hit me you crazy fuck! Watch where you point that thing!" 

"Hand over the box!" 

Just then, an unkempt Loki ran into the same area with more guys chasing him. Klaus stomped his foot in the ground and turned everyone into golden statues before they got a chance to shoot at him again. Loki stopped right next to Klaus, "I see you're losing your touch as well." 

Klaus nodded, "This is so fucking embarrassing, let's forget about thing whole thing. We never speak of this again." 

"Agreed." Loki took his free hand, and they teleported to their ship. "We clearly underestimated these creatures. They're miles smarter than the others we've encountered." 

Klaus put the black box on their dinner table and opened it up, he whistled, "Jackpot. I never realised alien drugs would be so pretty. Should we try it? I feel like we should try it. The guys at the market said we would feel out of this world, but we already know what that feels like. Does it magnify that feeling? How would it alter my human brain? Would i die?" 

Loki shut the box, and took it away from Klaus, "We'll try them when we get back to earth in a safe environment. Where all the doctors are, because if something goes wrong, and you get hurt. I will literally kill myself." 

Klaus rolled his eyes, "That's a tad bit dramatic, but I see where you're coming from. We should put it with all the shit we 'collected'. So? What did you get?" 

"Nothing."

Klaus frowned, "Then why were those guys chasing you?" 

"Apparently, the beauty I spent time with was married, and her husband was very powerful, and very dangerous." 

Klaus laughed, "In that case we should get out of here."

___________

Loki was in the kitchen of their spaceship on a call with Thor, when the ship shook. He got up from his seat and walked toward Klaus who had jumped out of his bunker. "What was that, brother? ... Loki, answer me." 

Klaus and the god exchanged looks of confusion, Loki shrugged, "I haven't the slightest idea, brother. Klaus and I are going to check it now, I'll call you later." He hung up before Thor could say anything else. 

The ship shook again, and the lights flickered. Klaus looked around, "Think we might be under attack. We should speed up and get out of this area. I heard this is where those ravagers like to hijack ships." They both walked to the cock pit, and saw a ship a few miles ahead of them.

Loki groaned, "I am not in the mood. Father found out about Sakaar, and he is not happy." 

Klaus sat down and turned of the autopilot, "When is that old fart ever happy?" He snorted. "Sakaar wasn't even that bad, we just had a mostly harmless threesome, watched some fights, and did some drugs." 

Loki prepared their weapons, "But it's not what we did, it's who we did it with. The Grandmaster is one of Asgard's oldest enemies, so Odin thinks. I don't even think Grandmaster gives a shit about Asgard." 

Klaus grabbed the radio and handed it over to Loki, "It's cause he doesn't. He calls the place Assgard for fucks sakes." 

Loki huffed, and pressed the button on the side of the device, "Could you kindly tell us why you shot at us, twice?" 

The other ship took a minute but eventually answered, "You two are wanted dead or alive. Who ever brings you in gets a billion a piece?" 

"What if we gave you guys three billion credits to leave us alone?" 

There was a long pause, then, "Rocket, give it back!"

"We'll take the deal!"

"No, Rocket, they're bad guys we have to take them in since we're like heroes now."

"Don't be stupid, Quill. Do you know how many ships we could get with three billion credits?" 

As they continued bickering, Loki rolled his eyes at Klaus and they both laughed, "Let's just get out of here, those guys are idiots."

An annoyed female voice came from the ship, "Will you two idiots stop, they're getting away." 

"Hey! Stop! We have to take you in. Could you kindly just turn yourselves over to us? If you cooperate we'll go easy on you guys. None of you are wanted for murder or anything bad, so I'll assume that you guys are cool." 

Loki nodded at Klaus, then cleared his throat to talk, "We would but...we have an appointment, somewhere tropical I'm thinking. You should've taken the money, now you'll never know what two billion credits look like. Let alone three. Have a nice life." 

Klaus pushed a small red button in the left corner of the panel, and a white light emerged from their ship. It hit the other ship and they suddenly went dark. Loki handed Klaus the radio, and the blond smiled, "That was an EMP, it'll only last a few minutes. You guys still have air and shit, let's hope nothing important was running. See you guys later, or not." Loki sped out of there to the next planet, where they would cause more chaos. 

Before they sped away they could hear yells from the other ship, "You are so dead when we find you!"

___________

Klaus stood in the bathroom of a hotel on Xandar, with his long blond hair sectioned off and Loki behind him holding a pair of scissors. "I can't believe we're wanted, that is so cool. I've never been wanted before. We're outlaws now, criminal masterminds. They'll be alien books written about us. The Tall Pale People... No, that's horrible, The Terrible Giants. Pale Giants?" 

"Can you keep still so I don't cut you, Sunshine?" Klaus stilled, and let the god chop off his luscious locks, "And all of those were horrific names. I doubt anyone in the galaxy thinks of us as a threat anyway. We haven't hurt anyone, we probably just stole something valuable." 

"I bet it was those jello people who put out the bounty, the way they jiggled just didn't seem right. I wonder if they taste like jello." Klaus looked at himself in the mirror and narrowed his eyes, "Should I dye my hair? If so, I'm thinking black, maybe dark blue. I could totally rock that." 

"What if you bleached it instead? Go platinum, or grey, maybe even white. Something shocking. You look better in bright colours, not dark colours. I don't call you, Sunshine, for fun. You look wrong when you wear anything darker than baby blue." The God flicked chunks of hair off Klaus' shoulders, "How does that look?"

"That was fast." Klaus checked himself out in the mirror, "I went from twenty year old mop, to Prince Charming from Shrek, only hotter, and more pale. I should get a tan or something, my skin is two shades away from being paper white. Before we left, there was a lady at the shop, who thought I was a cancer patient." 

Loki snorted, "You don't need a tan, love. Your paper white skin makes those beautiful emerald eyes pop. I can see the little freckles scattered across your tiny little nose. Your pale skin makes you blushing funnier, especially when it's JJ related. I'm sure the giant idiot would hate to see your rosy cheeks covered up by a tan." Klaus spun around to face the god, his face cherry red, and Loki chuckled, "Exactly like that." 

Klaus covered his cheeks, "I don't know what you're talking about. I do not like Jon. We're just friends, I like him in a friendly way. Like me and Wade." 

Loki crossed his arms, "Didn't you have a massive crush on Wade?" 

"That was years ago, and I got over that. We realised we weren't sexually compatible. We're just friends now, like me and Jon." Klaus was fidgeting with the rings on his right hand, making his latter statement a blatant lie. 

Loki scoffed at his best friend, "Please, who do you think you're talking to. I know you better than anyone has and will ever know you. We've participated in threesomes together, orgies. I know you inside and out. You like him, and as usual, you're too much of a pussy to make the first move." Klaus' mouth gaped in shock, "When we get back to Midgard, you will make the first move, or I will tell your parents exactly what happened in Paris last year." 

Klaus gasped and took a small step back in the tiny hotel bathroom, "You wouldn't... We said we would never talk about that... That is so not fair."

"You shouldn't have done it then." 

"I didn't know who he was at the time, and we stopped him right before he did anything bad." 

"How could you not know who your father's greatest enemy is?" 

Klaus rolled his eyes, "Justin Hammer likes to think he's my dad's greatest enemy, but we both know he isn't even in the top hundred. Besides, he was wearing a wig at the time, and he didn't even dance. Not once. I had no reason to suspect him for anything." 

"I still can't believe you slept with him." 

Klaus shrugged, "It's not my fault prison made him hot." 

"You..." Loki paused and perked up suddenly, "Did you hear that? I think someone's outside." 

Klaus inhaled deeply then screwed his face up in disgust, "There's two males that need to shower. Jeez." 

Loki sighed and flicked his wrist, making two daggers appear in his hands. Gold streams ran down Klaus' arm and formed into a golden gun. They nodded at each other, and Klaus kicked down the door. 

Klaus hands were grabbed by long clammy fingers, and he almost puked when the almost transparent alien thing growled at him and threw him at a wall. Klaus gagged, "Your oral hygiene is non existent. How can something smell so bad?" 

Loki went straight for the second creature, not wasting a second. Klaus stood up from the broken remains of a wall, and put two bullets into the creature. Both of them dropped dead at the same time, and Klaus watched as Loki pulled his dagger from the thing's head. 

"We should probably leave this planet. Maybe go back home and wait for this fugitive thing to blow over? I don't think I can handle the stench of another one of those things." Klaus suggested.

"That sounds reasonable." They both hurried and grabbed their stuff, which they hadn't unpacked yet, and rushed out the door. Klaus turned his duffel bag into a gold ring, and Loki's stuff disappeared into one of his pocket dimensions. Klaus stuffed his right hand into his blue coat pocket, and Loki grabbed his left, pulling him down the corridor.

They walked down the corridor as normal as possible, nodded at some pink people, and everything was fine. Until a familiar voice yelled at them, "Hey! You two fucked up my ship!" 

Loki and Klaus both looked back to see a very angry raccoon running at them, and they both sprinted down the hall. As they turned a corner they bumped into a green lady, and a human. A very angry human. "You owe us a new ship! The hot water isn't working anymore, and I can't make any cocktails, because the blender is all messed up." 

Klaus and Loki took off in another direction, only to hit into a massive wall of muscle, "You destroyed my yogurt machine, now prepare to die." 

Klaus grabbed Loki's hand, and suddenly they were falling through liquid gold. They both landed in the club part of the hotel, which was surprisingly busy at six in the afternoon, and weaved through the crowds of aliens. Loki never let go of the blond's hand, ever. They made it outside the hotel, into the streets of the colourful planet. 

"There was a talking raccoon! Holy shit! That was terrifying. I'm never doing crime in space again. I thought being an outlaw would be fun, but it's not. There's so much cardio involved." Klaus held his right side and panted. 

Loki whipped his black hair out of his face, "Come on, we have to get off this planet." 

"That's not going to happen." A creepy disembodied voice came out of nowhere. Then there was a terrifying blue lady, a pale bug lady, and a fucking tree. They started walking toward Klaus and Loki, scaring the shit out of them. The three were soon joined by the four that chased them out of the hotel, and Loki pulled Klaus behind him.

Klaus gripped the God's coat, "They are PISSED, maybe that EMP was a bad idea." 

"You don't say? Get rid of them!" 

"What am I supposed to...?" Klaus looked at his hands and almost slapped himself, "I'm such a fucking idiot. No, we're fucking idiots. The Idiotic Twosome. You can teleport, and we're fucking running like a pair of imbeciles, we could've been in the ship far away from this planet." 

"I must admit I completely forgot about that as well. But, we still need a headstart." 

Klaus flicked his wrist at the seven angry aliens, and they all turned into golden statues, "That'll wear off, I think." Loki grabbed Klaus' hand and they both teleported to their ship.

___________

They were so close to home. One more jump. The coordinates were locked. Everything was supposed to be fine, but life is a vicious bitch. A ship popped up on front of them. A very familiar ship, followed by the Nova corps. The space cops, and the seven weird, angry aliens. They were fucked. 

"We have to do the jump now!" 

"If we do that, we'll end up too far away from earth to make a proper landing." 

"We don't have a choice, Sunshine. We'll have to land this thing ourselves." 

Klaus started to set up the jump when he saw the weapon the aliens with the tree had on their ship. "Oh, shit!" He moved faster, "They have a fucking EMP, if we don't jump now they're gonna fry the power and we'll be stuck up here. Karma is such a fucking bitch. Hang on!" 

___________

It was a quiet day at the tower. As quiet as it could get, with Wade going off the rails. Traumatizing innocent people by repeatedly killing himself in public. It was sad what happened to Vanessa, which was why they didn't say anything. Peter was the one that brought him to the tower and put him to bed on Klaus' floor, where he and Jon looked after him. Jon somehow ended up making friends with Peter, and the boy called him for help.

Tony was with Bucky in the training room, fooling around. Steve was making lunch in the kitchen with Nat, Sam was playing video games with Clint in the living room, and Bruce was out of the country with Thor. 

Suddenly, there was a loud thud on the roof, and the building shook slightly. Everyone immediately jumped into action, scrambling for a weapon just in case they had to fight.

"Jarvis? What's going on?" Tony asked, when him and Bucky got to the living room with everyone else, including Peter. Jon and Wade stayed on Klaus' floor. 

"It seems as though Master Klaus crashed on the roof. Not to worry, nothing was severely damaged." 

After hearing Klaus' name, they all ran up to the roof. What they found was both a comical sight and concerning. Part of the ship was on fire, and part of one wing was completely broken off. Loki was huddled in a corner of the roof puking his guts up, his black coat scorched. Klaus was kneeling next to the god, holding his raven hair back as he puked.

"I told you not to eat anything before we jumped but no, you just had to have the cake didn't you. Now you're paying for it, Raven." Next to them, sat their duffle bags and an extra black bag that looked heavy. 

Peter put out the fire in the ship with his webs, making Klaus turn and acknowledge their presence. "Hi guys. A little help here?" 

Steve came over and lifted Loki bridle style, and the sweaty god clung to him. Peter tried to pick up the unfamiliar black bag, but buckled under the weight of it, "What the hell is in this bag, Klaus?" 

Klaus took it from him like it was nothing, "Gifts and souvenirs." 

Tony snorted, "Let me guess. You guys brought home a bunch of alien drugs?" 

"Not just drugs, we also got weapons, and pretty rocks. It's only like eighty percent drugs. The space cops almost got us back there, if they had caught us with any of this, you guys would've never seen us again. There's also a pretty hefty bounty on our heads. Just a heads up, make sure the women you sleep with are not married to homicidal maniacs. That rule also extends to space apparently." 

They made it to the living room, where Klaus handed everyone their gift. Tony got a weird piece of alien tech Klaus bought in Xandar, Nat got a battle axe, and everyone else got a necklace. "We were running most of the time, if not your presents would have been so much nicer. They are the nicest pieces of jewellery you can find in the galaxy, made with the strongest metal ever. It makes vibranium look like regular steel, and each pendant is specially made by me. Sam gets the little falcon, Clint gets the pizza, Steve gets the eagle, Pops gets the ball of yarn; cause he secretly knits us things and tells us he bought them." 

Everyone snickered, and Bucky pouted a little. 

After the the welcome backs and the hugs, Klaus made his way to his floor with Peter and Loki after he said they needed a shower. The God ran to his room as soon as the elevator doors opened, probably still sick and Peter stopped Klaus before they got any farther into the apartment. 

"What?"

"It's Wade. He's here with Jon on suicide watch. Something happened last week and he's not doing too well." 

Klaus frowned, "You are aware he can't exactly die right? What happened?" 

Peter sighed, "We know, but he kept holding up traffic and traumatizing the civilians, so we brought him here. It's Vanessa, Klaus. She's gone." 

"Shit." 

"He needs you. I might be his friend, but I'm not enough. He doesn't listen to me, ever. He's in your room, he couldn't sleep in his room." 

Klaus nodded and ran to his room, where he found Wade laying under a mountain of thick blankets, and Jon, sitting next to the bed. Jon stood up when he saw Klaus and made his way across the room. The giant mutant whispered, "He's asleep for now, but he hasn't moved for a couple of days. Good luck." 

Klaus dropped his duffel bag at the base of the bed, and placed his mystery bag on the floor in the centre of his giant golden room. He kicked it over, and hundreds of golden balls rolled out, half moved towards an empty golden wall. Klaus stacked them into seven tall columns and reshaped them into what they originally were. Black medium sized boxes, measuring to one foot in height and length. He turned the boxes into golden drawers, securing them, so only he could open them. When he was finished, there were twenty drawers in each column, totalling one hundred and forty golden drawers. One hundred and forty different types of drugs, from sixty different alien races.

The other half stayed on the floor. Klaus looked at them and flicked his wrist sending the majority of them inside his closet, where they formed into different clothing items he bought. Only three golden balls were left, Klaus picked them up, and put them on his night stand at Wade's side.

Klaus took off his coat, and his boots, kicking them aside. He moved to his bathroom to wash the dirt and grime off his face. In his plain white t-shirt and his blue slacks, Klaus crawled into the bed behind Wade. 

"I know you're not sleeping, baby bird." Klaus said. Wade sighed and turned to face him, still under heaps of blankets, his eyes were red, which made sense. He had been crying for a long time. "I heard what happened." 

Wade sighed sadly, "I don't want to talk about it."

Klaus nodded, "I get that." He caressed the merc's scarred face, "You wanna try some alien drugs?" 

"Yes please."


End file.
